Closet Writer Confessions: Who Am I?

I feel like I might have a personality disorder by this point in my life. The reason I say this is because 1) I have been using a pseudonym to write with  and 2) no one I know, knows that I write or have a blog.

 

I have been attempting to blog for about 3 years now, and I have always written for myself and no one else. Writing for me is a form of escapism. It allows me to step outside of my body and try and capture how I am feeling, what is going on in my life, and gives me a way to process a lot of the crappy part of life. But because I like to write about the crappy part, most specifically the horrible time I had teaching college, I had to change my name. The one time I mentioned to my mom I was blogging about work, she immediately told me that it wasn’t a good idea. She didn’t want me to get myself into trouble. In this day and age where everything we do is so public, it was true. And because I had an odd ball office-mate who liked to tell me that he Googled me, found my ratings on rate-my-professor, and saw my linkedin profile, I thought that maybe it was best that I go underground for a little while. So for the last year and a half most of my social media presence has been under “Priscilla Clare Wintours,” but because now I no longer work for a university, and I don’t plan on writing about work anymore, I felt it was time to come out of the closet in two different ways.

1) I am taking back my name!

I no longer wish to hide behind a pseudonym of who I am. I am proud of who I am, and of my name. For the longest time I was the only Monica Sabahi in the world (Google the name, there is only one of me), and now that I am married, I am Monica Saenz. Sadly there are multiple Monica Saenz’s in the world, as I learned from attempting to change my email address, but I am pretty sure that there is only one Monica Saenz in the world that was married on July 13, 2013, who owns a dog named Stella, has a husband named Jacob and enjoys doing high kicks when she is bored. If you happen to know of another Monica Saenz who happens to fit all this and isn’t me, send her my way, I would love to meet her.

2) I am finally owning up to my blog

My writing is not a bastard child of mine. I love writing. I want nothing more than to have my friends and loved ones read my writing and think “Wow, Monica captured that moment well” or. “I love what she had to say about that topic.” I do not have grand plans of thousands of subscribers, heck I would be happy with 100 people who aren’t related to me or are my friends to want to read what I have to say. I also do not want to pay for followers (please read creepy spam followers, I am not that desperate yet!).

3)Re-focusing on what matters

Like I said in my last post, I feel like I lost a lot of myself over the course of the last few years. I don’t think it had anything to do with my engagement or getting married, it had a lot to do with my life and my choices. When I started grad school I never wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to work with Children’s books and publishers, I taught because it was the easy way out. I knew that it was there and I could do it adequately. I know the saying “Don’t quit your day job” when it comes to writing, and I am not. I am still employed and work Monday-Friday, but I am trying to focus on my writing more as well. I am trying to dedicate a block of time a week to sit and write and blog, and just get my thoughts put together. With all of that being said, I am going to be re-focusing my blog. I am still going to write about the little situations in life that come up, but now my life is more about my marriage, my family, my in-laws, and attempting to cook. So that is what I am going to write about, what I know. Which may not be much in terms of marriage, or life, or cooking, or family, but at least I am attempting it.

In the end, the thing I am asking for is a little acceptance, a little time, and a little encouragement to embark on this scary journey. Here I am world, my name is Monica Saenz, I am an aspiring writer and blogger, wife and mom to a dog. It isn’t much, but it is my world that I am proud of and present to in this moment.

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