Last week I talked about self-censoring and the writer. I was going through some stuff about people passing judgment on me when they don’t know who I am or anything about my life. As I made the conscious choice to write about the task we are given as writers to not be bullies, but champions for change and life’s human experience, another thought occurred to me- when did I become the positive one?
For a very long time I have been the negative one. My husband always likes to remind me that things are not as dire as I make them out to be. I am over-dramatic. As soon as anything one little thing goes wrong my life is a complete ruin and wasteland. In fact, last year as we were getting closer to our wedding, my husband had to constantly remind me that things would go wrong on our wedding day. Not everything would be wonderful and magic, and that I would need to just be OKAY with that.
At the time I remember thinking, “Oh heck no! If things don’t go my way I am going to get certified crazy!” I mean, that is my right as the Bride, right ladies?
I will say, there were a few moments on my wedding day were I lost a little of my composure, like when my Dad was MIA when the father-daughter dance was announced by the DJ and I had to run around the venue looking for him. Yeah, that was fun. But for the most part, I think my husband and I kept our cool. We enjoyed our day, and have since enjoyed the last seven months we have been married.
But as I begin to face changes and challenges, I am finding that my mindset is starting to change from what it once was. I am no longer looking at things as negatively. I am starting to find the positive. I am challenging myself to remember that life is not as forlorn as I may have believed it to once be.
I am not sure when this started to happen. I wish I could say it is a result of all those hours practicing yoga, or all the time I spent in church, but it really isn’t. I think my changing mindset is due to 2 things: 1)My
amazing husband (go ahead and vomit a little) 2)The choice to see beauty around me each and every day.
My Dad use to tell me, “Show me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are.” This is a saying as old as time and parenting. We know that the people we choose to associate with become a direct reflection of who we are and what we will become. I am not saying that my husband is the sole person responsible for bringing about the change, but he is in large part. My husband always looks to the bright side. He never allows himself to dwell in the negative or to let things eat away at him. It is one of the reasons I love him so much. He doesn’t bring the baggage of work home, he doesn’t allow other’s opinions to sway him, he is steadfast and true in what he is. And through watching how he conducts himself, I have started to learn a lot. It is actually quit amazing.
The second thing I attribute my change in attitude is to looking for the good. And for me, it is not looking for the good in people. People will oftentimes let us down. Even my husband can let me down, and I can let him down. What I am talking about is looking at the world around you. It never ceases to amaze me the way the sunlight can hit the leaves in the tree and filter through golden yellow and green and twinkle in your face making it feel like that ray of sunshine was intended just for you. I will never tire of watching Stella (my lab) enjoy going on walks and sniffing the same 10 spots she always sniffs, nor will I get tired of the way she shoves her nose in my face when I am napping on the couch. Dogs are such simple expressions of love and purity. I will not get over watching my garden grow and ripen and bear vegetables for me out of seeds I planted. Life is beautiful. I am lucky, I have two strong legs to walk on, I have my vision, and my hearing. And while not everything I may see will be glorious, and not everything I hear will move my spirit, I am blessed enough to be able to experience that. And really, that is all anyone can ask for.
I am lucky that I have been able to change. And I am not saying I don’t still have my dark moments, heck, I cried in my closet Thursday morning when nothing fit me because I am getting too fat (another post to follow about that). I also still get angry and irritated with people I work with, or situations that are outside of my control. But the thing is this, at the end of the day I am lucky to have a home to go to, food to eat, and family and friends to love. I am truly blessed.
Stop being in the way of your own happiness. I was for a very long time. Blaming God and the people around me for my unhappiness. Well honey, I realized I was my own block. And I am happy that at 27 I have changed and I have grown. I pray that I continue to grow in this. Because at the end of the day, we only have this one chance at life, why not make it count in each moment you have?
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