A Side of Judgement

I have been feeling a little…not myself recently. It wasn’t until this morning when I wanted to cry over literally nothing, I figured out I might just be a little depressed. I wish I could tell you, or even myself, what the heck I am depressed about. But right now, from where I am typing, I just couldn’t tell you.

What I can talk about is this – during this time of introspection, and trying to figure out what the heck is up with me – I have realized that I am one judgy little snatch. Like truly and deeply, one who just likes to judge others.

 

I used to think that my “judgement” of others was not something bad, but rather it was me making commentary about life and situations. However in the last six months to a year, I notice that I do it maliciously. I don’t ever say anything to a person’s face, but I do make enough comments behind closed doors to friends that I wonder, have I lost a little of myself some how?

Some mornings I wake up and think it is just “Catholic Guilt” eating away at my heart, but can that really be the answer? Or is my Jiminey Cricket conscious telling me to wake up?

Monica, girl, you need to get your ish together!!! 

 

The more I put thought into this, the more I think that I feel like I am slipping away and losing a part of myself somehow. But the worst part out of all of this is, I don’t know where or how to stop. I always try. I even attempt to tell my friends, you know maybe we are being too harsh, then the next moment I am introducing a totally new topic. It is like that moment in Mean Girls, when Cady talks about word vomit. It just comes up, and the moment I say it I know I was in the wrong.

As a woman, I feel like we are told by society that we should gossip, we should tear others down. I know there is a social media movement to try and stop this mentality, but how?

How do you stop yourself from decades of bad habits? I feel like it is entering a rehab program where you need to go into total system shock and be out of the environment. And like a true recovering addict, you know you will have days where you lapse, but it is how you over-come it that will prove your growth and determination.

I also wonder if all of this judgement and negative condemnation of others is what really is bringing me down. In James 3:16 it says “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.” Is my heart truly too jealous and selfish to rejoice in the blessings around? My mom always tells me when there is chaos within you there will chaos around you. I know that this is somehow in my power to change, if I could just figure out HOW.

I have to say, there is a lot to think about.

So my question is this – how do you deal with your inner demon of gossip, condemnation, and destruction? How can I/you focus more on the positive in people – even those we want to smack upside the head?

I would love any tip/trick you have found, because heaven knows I can use a few!

 

M. Saenz

Pocket Owl Press

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