After a wonderful weekend of pretty much just laying around, I am feeling refreshed and ready for this next week. I oftentimes feel guilty for squandering a Saturday laying around my house watching marathon Netflix, but this weekend I gave myself permission. I figured that this next week would be busy enough working, cleaning my house, and prepping to host a Tastefully Simple party for my friends and loved ones that I was allowed to indulge this time. I even went to the beach with my husband and Stella, just to get out and enjoy the start of summer and a new season.
But part of this rest, allowed my mind to more fully think about a topic I have been trying to tackle for some time. A topic I am continually failing to push past, my need to come to terms with my massive weight gain…Not what you where thinking right?
Even as I write this, I just inhaled a bacon, egg, and cheese breakfast bagel at Panera in a record amount of time. I consider it a personal record. And the reason I am writing about my weight gain, is because I feel I have an opposite body image problem. Where most women are always conscious of their weight and think they look larger than they are, I don’t.
I really don’t think I have gained any weight. Sure, my pants are much tighter than they used to be. And the dress I wore for my brother’s wedding is the largest size I have ever purchased, but it still hasn’t really hit me. The only time I truly notice my weight gain, is when I look at recent photos of myself and think, “who is that woman next to my husband?” MMMM, it must be me!
Where to go From Here?
The question I am now facing is this – where do I go from here? To be honest, my husband and I want to start a family soon, so do I attempt to lose the weight I have, or do I just consider it a lost cause? A lot of my problem is my will power and self-motivation. Take this morning as an example. I woke up at 6, but told myself there is no real reason to get up, since I don’t work until 1230. I lay back down and slept until 7:30. I then thought, I at least need to stay in bed until 8. Finally at 8 I got up out of bed and took Stella out, fed her, cleaned up the house and woke Jacob up for work.
When all of this was over, I was left in my kitchen wondering, should I go to the gym and do a mere 45 minutes of cardio? Or should I go to Panera and get a bagel sandwich – because I have been craving one, and get some writing done.
We all clearly see what won out.
I also am not the type of woman that needs to lose 50 lbs to feel better. I mean, for my health I probably need to lose at least 40, but I am totally OKAY with just getting back down to where I was most of my adult life. I want to be able to be a size 10/12 and not get winded like I have been.
I have always considered myself an amateur runner, but I currently can’t even run a mile! I am so out of breath I want to cry – and its cry because I can’t run like I used to, not because I am fat. It’s a weird mental thing.
My other problem is I set myself up for failure. I don’t honestly think I can do it. And the moment I get consistent with working out, something happens. Last time, I got really sick and it knocked me down for a week.
Learning to Take it Slow
After a lot of reflection, I think the only thing I can do is to take it slow and to plan it out. I have always been a person that diligently plans things. I still use paper planners to write my work schedule and personal appointments. I really think of my phone as a toy, everything I really need to stay organized is found in notebooks, post-its, and planners I keep in my purse or car.
I am hoping by writing about it, posting it publicly I am able to stay a little more accountable. I do find myself gravitating towards blogs and Instagram accounts that are geared toward new moms, fitness, and healthy eating. But I want to not make this a fad in my life. I want to be able to lose some of this weight and feel a little more confident looking at my photos. I also need some help and perspective in realizing that this probably won’t happen in a month of working out, but after MONTHS of working towards my goal. I mean is it so much to wish I looked like this again:
I’d love to hear from any of you, what are things you do to help you reach those fitness goals. I am not solely focusing on weight loss, I want to change my lifestyle now. I don’t want to be sedentary and tired anymore, especially if I plan on starting a family. I want to teach my children to be more active and to make it part of their life. That is where I have failed, I would much rather read a book that work out!
Until Next Time,
Pocket Owl Press