What am I Worth?

I was vacillating a lot about what I wanted to post today. There are so many topics swimming in my head right now it is crazy. The only thing I really hate about that is when I finally set down to write, you really can’t cover it all. If I attempted to write about everything in my head, I would end up with this crazy hodge-podge post going on.

So after thinking about it a little, I figured I would spend today writing about self-worth.

I am a very introspective person by nature. Ever since I was little I always looked at myself and compared who I am to others. I thought about how my friends found things funny that I didn’t, or when my friends would find beauty in clothes and make up, I found more beauty sitting underneath a tree. I would wonder why I was so different, or at least why I felt that I was so different.

I could can spend countless hours sitting on the couch just thinking about so many different things. My husband sometimes says I over-think things, and it is true. I don’t know why, I want to contemplate a choice, an action, or an impulse, and by the time I choose to pursue it I find that the moment and opportunity have passed.

In the past 6 months, I quit teaching, attempted to find another job, attempted to be an attentive and caring wife, and a good friend. I know we are our own worst critics, but I wonder if I was being graded, what grade would I receive at this attempt?

Again, I am sure some people will say that I am being too hard on myself. And that I have been a wonderful friend, a great wife, and I am doing the best that I can. But I really can’t help but feel like I am failing and in short flailing around a little lost with my path.

Which of course finally brings me to the point of this post, what is my worth? I know that we can’t really quantify worth in numbers. I am not worth 10 cows, 2 pigs, and one dog. I am not worth 100 lbs of gold. I am not worth 3 cars and a house. But sometimes, I really want to know, what am I worth? What is my contribution to society in this minimal time each of us has on earth?

Last week my mom came over to visit me, and I was expressing this sense of loss. And it is a sense of loss, and not being lost. I feel that I have come untied from certain friendships, I chose to untie myself to education, I finally changed everything to my married name and lost all that was left of my maiden name. There has been almost a death.

Who am I? What am I? How do I identify myself?

So, in this midst of all of these thoughts, my mom told me this, “Who you are, is NOT defined by WHAT you do, but it is defined on staying true to yourself.” Have I stayed true to myself? Have I followed my joy and my instincts?

It would appear, that I am somewhere in the middle. Yes, I have followed my choice to quit teaching – which has made me a happier person, but I have not followed through and found a new job. I have accepted to be OKAY with were I am. And while that is OKAY, and there is nothing wrong with it, I can feel God calling me on. I am currently just too scared to answer YES!

The thing I am having trouble reconciling, is that having a “good” job will equate to me finding my sense of worth and value as a woman. I know that self worth is not dependent on job status, but when there feels like there is judgement from others in regards to this, I can’t help but doubt who I am.

I suppose the only thing this leaves me, is to dig deep down, say a prayer and ask for a little guidance. Because I am worth more than a job title, and I worth more than validation from others, I just need to find the worth and value in myself.

How we quantify our self-worth shouldn’t be dependent on the validation of others, but on ourselves. I think that right now, I need to look myself in the mirror and accept that I am worth everything I want, and only through the total pursuit of my wants can I become a happier and more complete woman.

I hope that each of us has this strength within, to dig deep and be the person God has planned.

Until Next Time,

M. Saenz
Pocket Owl Press

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