Jealous Heart

Believe it or not, I am a jealous person. I always have been. I am not sure when it started or why. As far back as I could remember I would see friends with toys and wish that I had their cool toys. When my little brother was born I was jealous he got so much attention, especially from our older brother. I wondered what was so awesome about him and why didn’t my older brother want to play with me anymore? And that is the worst jealousy, my jealousy of relationships.

I have sabotaged some of my best friendships through my own jealousy. Ladies, you might understand this if I use the analogy of friendships. See you have a super awesome girlfriend who you can’t live without and then you either introduce her to another awesome girlfriend or she meets a new friend at work or school. Then your super cool friend is now always telling you about her other super cool friend and it makes you mad. Like no, you can only have one super cool girlfriend and that is me. The more she mentions new super cool friend the more upset you get and you either stop talking to your friend or the jealousy eats away at you and you become a monster and your friend really doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore. I mean who would want to hang out with their bitter friend who is acting more like a controlling boyfriend than a kick ass girlfriend? The answer is no one!

So I have a lot of experience with jealousy. And you would think knowing this about myself I would make attempts to change. Sometimes I do. When I start to realize I am pushing friends or family away because of it, I reign it in. I just let it simmer and hide it away in my deepest part of my heart.

Most of the time I don’t think about this side of me. I have learned to control it and hide it so much better it isn’t a major concern. That was until recently. . .

I don’t like sharing E. At all. Not that I think E is a possession. I don’t own him, he is his own being. Obviously I am in charge of his well-being and keeping him fed and alive, but I don’t own any part of him. I can’t. However on the flip side, I literally don’t want to share him. I understand the social desire to want to pick up a baby. The suckers are so cute. They look at you with big innocent eyes. They give you a big gummy smile with drool coming down the side of their mouth. There is an inherent desire to just pick them up and squeeze the breath out of them. The other seemingly social expectation is that a new baby must be handed off as introduction, but why?

I feel so bad now for ever wanting a new mom to pass off their child to me. What if she didn’t want to but did it out of social expectation? Ugh, the guilt! I feel awful thinking about it. If I have done this to you, I am sorry.

Back to my jealousy.

Sure, I get it. Everyone assumes I have been home all day with E, so why wouldn’t I want to pass him off? I mean I must be tired, right? (The answer is always yes) I must want a break (sometimes true). It is possibly the “right” of the person expecting to have the baby handed to them (this is a very wrong assumption). The answer though is no. I really don’t want to pass off my child to you. At least not right away.

Yes, I do spend all day with him. And yes, I am tired, however I realize how little time I have. In a society where it is pretty much required that both parents work in order to provide for their children, I understand that my time at home is limited. As it is, I am taking an additional 4 weeks off. Time really passes in a weird vacuum. Moments seem like hours and hours pass in seconds. I don’t want to miss the precious time I have with my son.

Additionally, I have always been a person that hates being told what to do. It drives me NUTS when Jacob asks me to pass E off to someone. I don’t want to. I want to snuggle with my child. If he is screaming I want to be the one that comforts him. Again, there will come a time when he doesn’t want me, let me have this moment.

I don’t want my friends to think I am talking ill of their desire to hold our baby, I am not. If anything, think of how special you are if you have held my child! Bonus points if I was the one to offer him over to you and Jacob didn’t have to ask me to hand him off. Please don’t judge me. I don’t mean to be snatch, I just needed to explain myself. If you ever wondered why I was seemingly giving you stank face, I was having a moment of jealousy. I am sorry. I just can’t help it sometimes.

I promise to get better, if you promise to empathize a little. And tip: the less you push me, the more I will let go.

A last little sidenote: if I ever leave my child with you, please don’t give me a play-by-play of the awesomeness he was. I know he is awesome. And you giving me every detail of the amazing things he did will make me less likely to want to leave him again. It means those are all moments I missed out on. Yes, I get it, I won’t be there for every moment of his life, but you really don’t need to turn it into a spectacle. It ultimately will just leave me feeling bitter. I have issues, I get it, but stop making it so hard to move past those issues by driving me nuts.

OK, end rant.

One thought on “Jealous Heart

  1. Tammy says:

    OMG, I am STILL the same way with my now 4-year-old! I adore him and hate sharing. But I take comfort in knowing he will ALWAYS want mommy, and that he is bonded with me. It’s still hard, but I totally had the same feelings you have!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s