When We Don’t Have Words

It seems like a paradox to be writing when my title hints that I don’t have the language to say what I want, but this isn’t about having words, this is about having the “right” words.

Last Tuesday, as I was leaving work I got a call from my husband. The call dropped a few times and I assumed he butt dialed me, because he never calls when I am at work. I picked up my work phone and called him. He asked me if I had heard about my uncle. I immediately went into a panic, picking up the phone, making calls, mind racing. The long and short of it was my uncle had passed, and while I could sit here and pen type all the details, that is not what I am here to say.

What I am here to say is I no longer know what to do with my words.

My heart is broken. A little of me feels shattered.

To have this happen so unexpected.

But the thing that gets me is this, this isn’t even fully my pain. As I sit here and cry, all I can think of is my aunt and my cousin. My dear, dear older cousin. My sister. My best friend. My heart breaks.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to act. How can you be there for someone when they don’t really want to be reminded of what their reality is. I get it. I totally get it. What is my sorrow to hers?

I thought of what Anne tells Marilla at the end of Anne of Green Gables, when Matthew has passed, “It’s our sorrow. Yours and Mine.”

I feel like there is a sorrow so outside of myself that I can’t put words to.

No one can really put words to it. And it seems even hard to be there for someone when they don’t have the words to share their grief with you either.

I know many may say that it’s about being there, listening, presence, and yes, it is that too. But sometimes, we also need to be able to say “Here I am. See me. I hurt too. Your sorrow, its mine too. Because I love you, I cry for you, my heart breaks for you.”

My heart, it has been filled with a lot of sorrow, so much so that I don’t even want to burden my friends with it. How do you call someone and say, “Hey, it’s me. Someone else I loved died today and I just feel a little lonely, scared, hurt, and scarred.”?

It’s hard.

It’s hard to allow yourself to feel sad when you think your grief is a pinprick to someone else’s.

So this is me sitting here saying, I don’t have the words anymore, just the grief. And for now, that will have to be okay. Because I am going to be honest, these wounds of loss. They are deep and every time it feels like my heart is healing, the scab and the loss happen over again.

The only thing that sometimes keeps me together is the hope knowledge that God has something greater for us, and that these bodies are the shells for our gorgeous souls. That is my only comfort right now, because this has been a rough year for loss.